I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be going on vacation this year; now it’s dead inside and I’m left with emotional baggage.

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Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

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It probably feels so good to ram your head into something as a cat.

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All of humanities problems could be solved with a large meteor.

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Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

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Not eating the cookie I’m craving. I better wake up skinny tomorrow.

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My life is simple, I see a queue of more than 6 people, I go home.

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Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering.

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Without freedom of speech, we wouldn’t know who the idiots are.

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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.