My advice to young people to prepare for getting older is to start stretching immediately.

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They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

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Every time I have to leave the house and be around people I remember why I hate having to leave the house and be around people.

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You can’t truly refer to yourself as an adult until you catch yourself getting really angry when the grocery store changes their layout.

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Why is it that your clothes only get caught on the door handle when you’re in a bad mood?

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I don’t know if I’m pregnant or what, but I’ve been craving 3 million dollars so bad.

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Why have abs when you can have kebabs?

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I need a massage for my brain.