Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has copied:

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

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When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

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Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

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Digging my own grave, because I gotta do everything around here.

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My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

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Feminism convinced women they could have it all. Now they’re 40, independent, and crying in a very nice but empty apartment.

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The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.