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Nobody victim blames more than my oldest son when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother.

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I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

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I can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress.

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Losing jewelry is a different type of hurt.

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Good things happen when you smile or when you’re naked.

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Sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. It’s not you, it’s just past 10pm.

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When I was a kid, I never expected the future to suck this much.

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Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished.

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Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

Someone from 🇧🇬 has copied:

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed.