For my birthday, I want everyone to delete whatever old version of me they have in their head— it expired.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has bookmarked:

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully, I was already there.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has bookmarked:

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me, I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

I have to pee. Story of my life.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has bookmarked:

Actually, you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has viewed:

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has bookmarked:

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has viewed:

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has shared:

Can’t wait for when we’re all in our 80’s and still tweeting.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has copied:

If I had The Force, I’d just use it to open pistachios.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has shared:

Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.