Forgetting to put jewelry and perfume on is literally the worst feeling.

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My tombstone will read “Hey there, I’m using WhatsApp!”.

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I’m not even doomscrolling anymore, I’m just regular scrolling, and everything’s doomed.

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Sorry, I’m late. I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.

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Imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you.

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Good news: I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

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December. The month at work where everything is January’s problem.

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The gap in my resume? Yeah, it’s called playing outside.

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I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could make counterfeit money, I wouldn’t be at the Dollar Tree, Karen.

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Third wheeling with two girls who are best friends is so much worse than third wheeling a couple.

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Finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures – it’s my face.