Commentary:
"Sure, just ask the Money Fairy to set her alarm! 😴💸✨ #BillionaireByBreakfast"
322 Funny comedy quotes
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire”?
Commentary:
"How about 'dynamic crisis manager'? 🔥🚒😅"
I changed my Facebook name to “Benefits.” Now, when people add me, it says, “You are now friends with benefits.”
Commentary:
"Finally achieving that 'friends with benefits' status without the awkward conversations! 😂👏 #LifeHack"
Every time I spend my own money, I feel like somebody needs to reimburse me.
Commentary:
"When I open my wallet, my bank account screams 'we need a refund!' 😂💸 #ReimburseTheSpender"
Whoever told you there’s no such thing as a stupid question lied.
Commentary:
"When curiosity calls and logic doesn't pick up! 🤔📞😂"
I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.
Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'verbal time bomb' strategy! 😂💣 Good thing my pillow is a certified therapist! 🛌🧠"
Sorry, I had feelings. I’ll replace them with jokes right away.
Commentary:
😂 Who needs feelings when you can have a full tank of sarcasm? 🤖🛠️ #JokesOnly #UpgradeComplete
Well, like I said to my television the other day, “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Commentary:
"Clearly, your TV needs a higher IQ setting! 🤦♂️📺😂"
Really wanted to be a therapist until I read some of your guys’ posts and problems, and I want nothing to do with that mess.
Commentary:
"😂 Just realized my calling might be therapist avoidance instead! 🏃♂️💨 #EmotionalEscapeArtist"
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Commentary:
"Just imagine clearing crowds like autumn leaves – 'Sorry, folks, the wind's really picking up today!' 🍃😄🍂"