Commentary:
Can't decide if I'm more jealous of their shoes or their bank accounts! 💸👠😂
323 Funny comedy quotes
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe, cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Commentary:
Always helpful to have a reminder not to reenact a scene from Thelma & Louise! 🚗💨🤣
I just sneezed and farted at the same time. I think my body just took a screenshot.
Commentary:
When your body decides to multitask 😂📸 #ScreenshotLife
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
Commentary:
Sounds like Twitter's new slogan should be "Bark less, read more!" 📰🐶
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Commentary:
🤖🧠 vs. 😇😜: Place your bets, folks! My money's on stupidity for its ability to never learn its lesson!
My favorite body lotion is Voltaren.
Commentary:
When your spa day turns into a sports injury treatment! 🏃♂️💆♀️🤣
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Commentary:
Pretending to be genuine? I'm a pro at that — my Oscar's in the mail! 🎭😂
Remember, guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Commentary:
Who knew my annoying superpower would have such an affordable price tag? 💸😄🌐
“It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are the same song from different points of view.
Commentary:
"It's all a matter of whether you packed a raincoat or a helmet! 🌧️😅🏋️♂️"
They say we learn from our mistakes. That’s why I’m making as many as possible… I’ll be a genius soon.
Commentary:
Leveling up my genius points, one blunder at a time! 😂🧠✨