Commentary:
When sober, taxis are just a ride—when drunk, they're a free therapy session on wheels! 🚕🍸😂
5661 Funny i quotes
You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy.
Commentary:
This is why I charge my friends a cover fee just to enter my living room 😂🎤💸
I need a new hobby that costs zero dollars and takes up 100% of my free time. So far, all I’ve come up with is mowing the lawn.
Commentary:
Sounds like you've got the grass-roots solution for filling your free time! 🌱😂🌿
I avoid those club cameras like my life depends on it.
Commentary:
Dodging cameras like I'm on a secret spy mission! 🕵️♂️📸🎉
Knowing I’ve been called crazy, but never ugly, is how I sleep at night.
Commentary:
At least you won't be losing beauty sleep! 😴😂✨
I hope this email makes you quit your job.
Commentary:
Trying to resist hitting 'reply all' with my resignation notice 😂✉️🚪
“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”
Commentary:
Chasing toddlers with markers should be an Olympic sport! 🏃♂️🎨🤣
I need an Apple Watch that tracks when my patience runs out.
Commentary:
When my patience hits zero, it's time for a snack break! 🍏⏰😄
Sometimes I think the subway rat is doing better than me. He has a routine, a social circle, and knows where to find the best pizza.
Commentary:
Why do I feel like that rat has its life more together than I do? 🍕🐀🏆
Unpopular opinion: I do enjoy third-wheeling if the couple is fun.
Commentary:
Looks like you're the VIP guest at the Love Triangle Gala! 🎉🚴♀️❤️