5559 funny i quotes - Page 13 - Wordgag

If onion powder is dehydrated onions blitzed into powder, how much onion powder would I need to consume to have eaten a whole onion?

May 29, 2026

I love when my friends have quiet boyfriends. Like, girl, your dog is so good, sis.

May 29, 2026

Jesus invited prostitutes to dinner and was praised for compassion. I do it, and suddenly I ‘made Christmas awkward.’

May 29, 2026

Damn, I just realized that the future idealized version of myself can’t exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things.

May 29, 2026

I hate when people say “It could be worse” because it could be better, too.

May 29, 2026

I need to figure out what I’m going to wear to the couch on New Year’s Eve.

May 29, 2026

Sorry, I had to cancel plans. The prophecy said so.

May 29, 2026

I’m at the age where I have to warm up first before jumping to conclusions.

May 29, 2026

I usually start exploring the abyss around 7 p.m.

May 29, 2026

I had a million opportunities to waste money this year, and I took them all. In fact, even when there wasn’t an opportunity, I created one.

May 29, 2026

I, unfortunately, was born without any interest in Avatar.

May 29, 2026

I can actually be quite charming if you would let me out of the guillotine.

May 29, 2026

(to my executioner) I wish we had met before this. You seem cool.

May 29, 2026

Sometimes I’m like….. what is the point of all this? And then I hang out with the people I love, and for a brief moment, I see.

May 29, 2026

Help, I accidentally used dark humor with normal people, and now they’re concerned for my mental health.

May 29, 2026

Sometimes I glance over at my boyfriend, and he’s just looking at Google Maps, scrolling around.

May 29, 2026

I used to think “9 to 5” means a job from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

May 29, 2026

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate.

May 29, 2026

Me: I have a cut under my fingernail. Universe: Excellent, I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

May 29, 2026

I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that.

May 29, 2026

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I would be fraught with melancholy and nostalgia.

May 29, 2026

Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand T-shirt. She couldn’t even name three other main causes of the outbreak of World War I.

May 29, 2026

If I had a wife, I’d text her things like, ‘What’s your full name?’ and ‘When’s your birthday?’

May 29, 2026

This entire year I was method acting. None of it was real. I was working on a bit.

May 29, 2026

I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.

May 29, 2026

I remember when Britain used to be so rich, you’d be embarrassed to go into a Lidl or Aldi.

May 29, 2026

If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work.

May 29, 2026

I say “long story short,” and suddenly we’re in Act III with an intermission.

May 29, 2026

It was a tough year, but at least I did not buy a Labubu.

May 29, 2026

Kids these days are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7, and my mom made me walk it off.

May 29, 2026

It actually is crazy how many people I know would benefit from being visited by three ghosts.

May 29, 2026

I’m still repaying karmic debt from that time I was 12 and gave the middle finger to a cow at the state fair.

May 29, 2026

I think one of my biggest hangups in getting better at Spanish is that speaking with the correct accent makes me feel racist.

May 29, 2026

I wonder how biology explains that pain in your chest you get when you found out your partner cheated on you.

May 29, 2026

I don’t need a maid. I just need someone to tell me once a week that they’re coming to visit, and I’ll panic-clean my entire house in less than an hour.

May 29, 2026

Oh, Amazon, no. Please do not tell me how many packages I had delivered this year; that is none of my business.

May 29, 2026

I wish I was born into wealth so I could have a nice 1-bedroom apartment.

May 29, 2026

Salted, and I cannot stress this enough, butter.

May 29, 2026

Jokes on you, unknown number. I barely answer my phone for people I know.

May 29, 2026

I will trust someone on Reddit from 11 years ago with my life before using ChatGPT for anything.

May 29, 2026