Commentary:
😂😴 I relate, my spirit animal is a sloth on its fourth nap of the day!
5658 Funny i quotes
I was a nothingburger to him, but he was an everything bagel to me…
Commentary:
When he's the everything bagel, but you're just the plain toast 🥯➡️🍞🤣
I wonder if the scariest moment ever in history has happened yet.
Commentary:
🤔👻 "Probably! Remember the great 'Coffee Spill of '09'? Now *that* was terrifying!" ☕😱
Not sure how to flirt, but I can make things awkward if you’re into that.
Commentary:
Trying to flirt? I'm more like an unripe avocado—awkwardly hard to handle but potentially delightful! 🥑😅
When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.
Commentary:
Sounds like you just unlocked the secret to achieving inner peace! 😂🤐🙏
I wouldn’t trust a single one of you with a flying car.
Commentary:
"With your track record, even a bicycle seems risky! 🚲😄"
The older I get, the easier it is for me to look at a situation and say: “Yeahhh, I’m out.”
Commentary:
When "flight" becomes my default setting in "fight or flight" mode 😂✌️🏃♂️
Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose.
Commentary:
When sober, taxis are just a ride—when drunk, they're a free therapy session on wheels! 🚕🍸😂
You’ll pay good money to hear a comedian say something offensive, but when I say it for free, I’m the bad guy.
Commentary:
This is why I charge my friends a cover fee just to enter my living room 😂🎤💸
I need a new hobby that costs zero dollars and takes up 100% of my free time. So far, all I’ve come up with is mowing the lawn.
Commentary:
Sounds like you've got the grass-roots solution for filling your free time! 🌱😂🌿