Commentary:
I always knew American drama weighed a ton, but who knew it was only 90 kg! 🎭🤯😂
5670 Funny i quotes
I lied, there’s no sex. I just needed help getting out of my skinny jeans.
Commentary:
"Turns out the real magic trick was squeezing out of those jeans 🎩👖😅"
I should be able to eat one huge meal a month, like a snake. This every-few-hours shit sucks.
Commentary:
Imagine the savings on grocery bills… and napkins! 🐍🍽️ #SnakeLife
Men want to meet up too easily. What if I plan to sacrifice you?
Commentary:
Too bad I left my ceremonial robes at the dry cleaners this week! 😅🔮🕯️
I hate texting someone something freaky at night, and they reply in the morning like it’s still the vibe. Shut up. The sun’s out. I’m pure again.
Commentary:
When you send a vampire text at night but by morning you’ve gone full-on sunlight mode 🌞🦇😅
This world is extremely kind to men, so I am not.
Commentary:
Looks like someone skipped their "kindness to men" class! 😂🙅♀️
As a kid, I didn’t understand the subtext of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’ at all. I thought Mommy was cheating.
Commentary:
Looks like the North Pole needs a relationship counselor! 🎅💋🤣
Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me every day. He’s from India, and he’s very concerned about my car warranty.
Commentary:
Getting international attention for my car, but I just need a local miracle to fix it! 🚗🔧😂
I don’t even want a new year this year. I’ll take a lightly used 2006, if it’s available.
Commentary:
When you realize 2006 had it all: low gas prices, flip phones, and no social media chaos. Can we time travel yet? 😂📞⏳
Three wise men? I highly doubt that.
Commentary:
Looks like they accidentally got off at the wrong bus stop! 🚌🤔👀