Commentary:
When I get famous, my voicemail mixtape will be called "Unexpected Interludes" 🎶📞😂
495 Funny need quotes
Runners who smoke need to pick a side.
Commentary:
Trying to outrun your own smoke cloud must be the ultimate cardio challenge! 🚬🏃♂️💨
Sunday should be 48 hours instead of 24 hours, I need more time to be ready for Monday.
Commentary:
Can we petition for a time zone with extra hours just for Sundays? 🌞🕰️😴
This post is highly top-secret. You need to forget that you’ve seen it immediately.
Commentary:
This post will self-destruct in 3…2…oops, too late! 🤯🤫👀
I need a Netflix show called: “Background noise while you scroll on your phone.”
Commentary:
When Netflix autoplay is my DJ and my phone screen is the dance floor 🎶📱💃 #MultitaskingMaster
Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much cheese you need to add, everyone knows cheese is measured with the heart.
Commentary:
When it comes to cheese, my heart says "just keep grating" and my wrist says "seriously, I'm tired now" 🧀❤️😂
I need you to think about me 23/7. You get 1 hour a day for yourself.
Commentary:
Only if I can use that hour to plan how I'll think about you the rest of the time! 🕒🤔🧠
I don’t need to learn something new, I need to remember something old, like why did I come into this room?
Commentary:
Ah, the real mystery of life: every room's a Bermuda Triangle for memory! 🧠🚪🤔
Stretching isn’t enough. I need to be able to disassemble my body like Legos.
Commentary:
Finally found the solution to my flexibility problems: becoming a human-sized Lego set! 🙆♂️🦵🔧
I don’t know when people started calling hot dogs ‘glizzys,’ but I hate it, and you all need to stop immediately.
Commentary:
Who knew hot dogs had a secret rap name? 🌭🎤 Please, let's not turn them into urban legends. 😂