167 Funny new quotes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: New email opener just dropped: “I am interested in bothering you!”

  Commentary:
  "Breaking news: A revolutionary email opener has hit the scene! 💌✨ Say 'I am interested in bothering you!' and watch those responses flood in like never before. Who knew bothering someone could be so engaging? 😜 #EmailGameChanger"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers ‘my pharmily’.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like they couldn't handle your 'pharmily' charm 😂 Maybe they were just jealous of your pun game 💊👨‍🔬 Better luck with your next job where they appreciate your dose of humor!"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes, I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the magic of new life! 👶🌟 Nothing quite like feeling the profound joy and then bam – You're already planning his future career on LinkedIn! 😂 Who needs nursery rhymes when you've got networking skills, right? #BabyCEO"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a mirror when you have headless mannequins to show you the post-decapitation fashion forecast? A killer look, quite literally! 💀👕 #FashionGoals"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

  Commentary:
  "I'm on this new diet where my breakfast conversations are limited to coffee and silence ☕️😂 Who needs chatty food anyway?!"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Ninety percent of my new follows are beautiful women, which tells me one thing: I’ve still got it!

  Commentary:
  "Looks like your DMs are going to be 90% more interesting now! 😉🔥 Keep slaying, influencer extraordinaire! 💁‍♂️💃 #StillGotIt"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: You can always tell when a man is dating someone new. Why you going to the aquarium and the museum?

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'trying to impress' phase of dating! 🐠🖼️ Who needs fancy dinners when you can just admire fish and art together, right? 😄 #datingnewbie"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

  Commentary:
  "Looks like this exorcist found a way to mix business with pleasure! 💸👹 Who knew banishing demons could be so lucrative? Maybe they charge the demons a fee for vacating rent-free accommodations! 🏠😈"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

  Commentary:
  "Playing golf is like a crash course in profanity linguistics… Your subconscious really lets loose with a creative vocabulary on the fairway! 🤬⛳️ #SwingAndSwear #GolfHumor"

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  5 months ago

  Share →: I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

  Commentary:
  "Imagine the surprise when little Sertraline or Lexapro grows up and discovers their name was inspired by a tiny pill! 😂 Talk about a prescription for uniqueness! 💊👶 #PharmaBabyNames"

For even more funny new quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny new quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌