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If women came with instructions, men wouldn’t read them anyway.

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There are two types of people at work: Those who work and those who have become pros at looking busy.

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Hobbies include being misunderstood.

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Just once, Iโ€™d love to underthink a situation.

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When I hear the word “horror”, the first thing I think of is bills, not Halloween.

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Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. Simple meth.

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Iโ€™m terrified of escalators, so Iโ€™m taking steps to avoid them.

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I don’t always clear my calculator… but when I do, I hit both ‘C’ and ‘CE’ a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do.

I don’t always clear my calculator… but when I do, I hit both ‘C’ and ‘CE’ a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do.

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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Iโ€™m a single issue voter. Iโ€™m single and itโ€™s an issue.

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Being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like New Jersey.

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You should be allowed to speed if good music is playing.

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The masculine urge to hitch your pants up after making a minor decision.

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Wake me when AI does housework.

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They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.

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