I wish I could Shazam a perfume.

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Jingle all the way? In this economy?

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My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate.

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Marry the man who treats your dumb questions like they’re NASA-level problems.

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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

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The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’. 6 weeks. Lol.

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If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

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If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you are lonely any more.

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At the Pride and Prejudice showing booing whenever Prejudice comes on screen.

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Moving houses/apartments gotta be top 3 worst human experiences.