If we’re walking together, just know I’ll definitely bump into you because I can’t walk in a straight line.

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My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

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Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

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Not texting back is only ok when I do it.

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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero feels kinda stupid nowadays. Just launch a Patreon, my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio.

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It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

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If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

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I often wonder how men could discover entire continents. Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.

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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window, mind your business.

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I was hoping to age like a fine wine, but I sort of feel more like an avocado.

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It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s only Wednesday.