Thanks for leaving my door open; I was running low on houseflies.

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Tried Adderall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing.

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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

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I’m sorry for setting the impossible standards that the rest of you try to live up to.

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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and will choose more quickly.

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Having a crush is so stupid. Like, why is this dude in my head at 8 am?

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Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

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The meteorologist who devised the wind chill factor has died. He was 86, but he felt like 75.

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I always set two alarms, one for “Good Intentions Me” and one for “The Real Me”

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One day you’re cool and then the next, you realize your favorite pair of pants are sweatpants from the grocery store.

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Who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?