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Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has downloaded:

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has bookmarked:

I hate it when my AirPods die instead of me.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has copied:

The Wi-Fi stops working for 2 minutes, and suddenly I start thinking about life.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has downloaded:

Typing in your email address on the TV is a different type of irritation.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has viewed:

Adults chasing the popularity they missed out on as teenagers are the worst.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has downloaded:

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has downloaded:

Do you ever wake up in the morning and you’re just like… no.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has viewed:

Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

This chapter of my life is called ‘at least the rent is paid’

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Spotted on TikTok:

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east.

Making waves on X:

Gender and sexuality aside, I believe everyone just wants someone who wears short shorts and makes a lot of noise in bed.

Just landed via Reddit:

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Going bananas on TikTok:

An adventure and a dragon would cure me.

Trending via YouTube:

Okay, seen enough, someone put a blanket over my cage.

Making waves on Reddit:

Having a low-quality camera will definitely force you to keep your life private.

Just shared via Reddit:

Got too drunk in the Vietnamese restaurant last night, they said I can never go back. They banh mi.

Just shared via Discord:

You gotta wonder why they just don’t make all bread garlic bread.

Just shared via Pinterest:

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness.

Going bananas on Instagram:

Waking up early is always beneficial. You just gotta make it past those first 10 minutes of being irritated.

The best part about being married is having a permanent person to debrief with immediately after any social event.

20 hours ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about marriage highlighting the humorous perk of instant debriefing with a spouse.

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Commentary:
Finally, a lifetime subscription to the post-social event gossip club! 🗣️💬👫🤣

after, being, best, communication, debrief, event, having, marriage, married, person, relationship, social, social event, spouse

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66 shares on Slack this month:

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision.

69 shares on Telegram this month:

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework. You can’t have both.

46 shares on Reddit this month:

We are so shocked by “Butthead” that we ignore the strangeness of the name “Beavis”.

20 shares on Discord this month:

I’m instantly 70% nicer after 3 p.m. on Fridays.

25 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst advice to a coworker.

40 shares on Twitch this month:

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

63 shares on Messenger this month:

I’m inventing a website for unemployed people called LinkedOut.

15 shares on YouTube this month:

Because it is Friday, I will allow one beautiful woman to invite me for drinks.

27 shares on Telegram this month:

Life is weird and then you die.

78 shares on Telegram this month:

Can’t wait to overuse the “My husband said,” “Let me phone my husband,” “I’ll ask my husband.”

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇧 has bookmarked:

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has viewed:

Inventing the Grinch: “Santa needs a Wario!”

Someone from 🇫🇯 has shared:

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for those cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has viewed:

I’m sick of blessings in disguise. I am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has shared:

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

Self-care is putting your face on a very soft cat.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

Wearing expensive perfume to work feels like such a waste. This should be under someone’s full body weight, not in a corporate setting.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has shared:

IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has shared:

Your eyes water when you yawn because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has downloaded:

The real hack is pouring all that lover girl energy into yourself.

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Spotted on Discord:

TikTok? I still call it a watch.

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Activity Log ✨

The best part about being married is having a permanent person to debrief with immediately after any social event.

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats breakfast standing up?

Having a job is insane because they give you actual money in exchange for pressing the buttons.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

You give a man your heart and he’s gonna put it under another girl’s picture.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

The best part about being married is having a permanent person to debrief with immediately after any social event.

Keep the laugh going 😂

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats breakfast standing up?

Having a job is insane because they give you actual money in exchange for pressing the buttons.

Before Facebook, we would hold people hostage inside our homes by showing them photo albums of our vacation.

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

You give a man your heart and he’s gonna put it under another girl’s picture.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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