38% of being a dad is sitting in a car, looking at your watch, and waiting for everybody else to come out.

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I’m a freak in the spreadsheets.

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To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin. Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

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If someone texts “Do you have a minute,” it’s a trick. Don’t fall for it.

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Do you want to sit on the porch with me until we die or not?

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I’m not deleting my Twitter, I was here before Elon.

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Whenever my hormones try to get me to reproduce after all, I go to IKEA and watch the goings-on there. After that, I’m good again.