All I know for sure is that I could be wrong.

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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth.

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Judging by the hair on my couch, I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

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If I had my Pinterest wardrobe, I would be unstoppable.

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I like how people say “manage your depression,” like it’s a stock portfolio, but you’re heavily invested in sadness.

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What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

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You want me to turn around? The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart.