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Life is full of questions. Idiots are full of answers.

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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if youโ€™re awake.

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My favorite part about summer is when I get to go back inside where itโ€™s air conditioned.

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Yes, money alone does not make you happy. It has to be yours too.

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โ€œBluetooth or Insane?โ€ is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

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My future wife is probably fake laughing at her boyfriendโ€™s lame jokes right now. Be patient, Queen, a true clown is on the way.

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I call my period Shark week. I want to eat everything, Iโ€™m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere.

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The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

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Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it?

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If you have any questions or concerns please donโ€™t. Hesitate to ask.

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An interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said Iโ€™m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

An interviewer asked me how well I can perform under pressure; I said Iโ€™m much better at Bohemian Rhapsody.

Commentary:
Under pressure? That's just a warm-up for my killer karaoke skills at "Bohemian Rhapsody"! ๐ŸŽค๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ‘‘

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