As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

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There’s a disgusting pervert at the bar watching pornography over my shoulder.

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Welcome, new followers! It’s all downhill from here.

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I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

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Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

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Technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting.

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Gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.

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Hello 911? Yes, my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

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Life is so boring when you don’t have a package on the way.

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I lied, there’s no sex. Stand over there and tell me if this painting I’m hanging is straight.

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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”