248 funny house quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

May 23, 2026

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house?

May 23, 2026

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

May 23, 2026

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

May 23, 2026

You’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat.

May 23, 2026

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

May 23, 2026

The state of my house can best be described as “there seems to have been a struggle”.

May 23, 2026

Welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

May 22, 2026

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

May 22, 2026

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos.

May 22, 2026

I drive home so quick after work like I’m late for the house.

May 22, 2026

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

May 22, 2026

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

May 22, 2026

Video games are great. They let you try out your craziest fantasies. For example, on The Sims, you can have a job and a house.

May 22, 2026

I want to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand.

May 22, 2026

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

May 22, 2026

I want my house spotless, but kicking my kids out seems wrong.

May 22, 2026

The fun thing about Airbnb is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation.

May 22, 2026

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house.

May 22, 2026

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

May 22, 2026

Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

May 22, 2026

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

May 22, 2026

Tech enthusiasts: My entire house is smart. Tech workers: The only piece of technology in my house is a printer, and I keep a gun next to it so I can shoot it if it makes a noise I don’t recognize.

May 22, 2026

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

May 22, 2026

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

May 22, 2026

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.

May 22, 2026

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

May 22, 2026

You’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house.

May 22, 2026

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

May 22, 2026

I get it dogs, I wish I could also bark at strangers approaching my house.

May 22, 2026

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

May 22, 2026

When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

May 22, 2026

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

May 22, 2026

This summer I’m going cicada mode: emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until I find a mate.

May 22, 2026

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

May 22, 2026

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

May 22, 2026

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

May 22, 2026

I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.

May 21, 2026

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

May 21, 2026

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

May 21, 2026