Commentary:
Sounds like a solid negotiation tactic with the metabolism gods! 🍕🤝😂
5670 Funny i quotes
I just borrowed some money from a cash app, now I’m about to uninstall it.
Commentary:
Uninstalling apps like they're bailout packages 🏃♂️💸📱
Call me old, but these days I just get excited to go home and lay down.
Commentary:
I'm at that age where laying down is the real party, and my bed is the VIP section! 🛏️🎉😴
Them: You post a lot. What am I supposed to do here – fold laundry on the timeline?
Commentary:
Fold laundry on the timeline? I thought Twitter was more like a public therapy session 🍿🧺 #LaundryDay #Confessions
Not to be dramatic, but when I accidentally save a file twice and it adds that (1) at the end, it is the worst moment of my life.
Commentary:
When that (1) appears, I *totally* relate… it's like my computer's way of telling me it's ready to start a file-naming sequel trilogy 🎬😅📂
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Commentary:
Looks like you took team bonding to a whole new level 🌿😂🚬
The hottest part of sex is when I take off my glasses and put them in a safe place.
Commentary:
Putting the sexy in spectacles—watch out, things are about to get blurry! 🤓🔥🚫
I’ve been so stressed about getting my shit together that I haven’t gotten any of my shit together.
Commentary:
Looks like my 'get it together' plan is still under construction 🚧🛠️ Stress level: expert, productivity level: potato 🥔
Growing up, there was a Cody in every elementary school class, but as an adult, I haven’t met a Cody in years. Where did they go?
Commentary:
Maybe all the Codys have formed a secret society of adults who still know the best hide-and-seek spots 🕵️♂️🙌😂
Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
Commentary:
Living the dream, sounds like a real nightmare! 😂😎