I’m at the age where living in the woods and arguing with a raccoon sounds like a peaceful retirement plan.

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“Comparison is the thief of joy!” Well, not if you’re better than everyone else.

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It’s so crazy how people are never down to just go get a burger. It didn’t used to be like this.

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That feeling when it’s Friday, you blink once, and somehow it’s Monday again.

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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

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The meteorologist who devised the wind chill factor has died. He was 86, but he felt like 75.

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I’m starting to think that the secret to having a happy life is avoiding people.

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Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

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I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

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Confession: If you’ve ever been in a revolving door with me, I was only pretending to push.

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Adulting is realizing you can’t skip work like you skipped school.