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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇩🇿 has shared:

I deserve a love so pure that my nervous system can finally rest.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has copied:

Hey girl, are you a burger? Because I love you.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has viewed:

Nobody says, ‘Bless you,’ when you fart.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has downloaded:

Things I don’t want in my future house: An angry man.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has downloaded:

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

Someone from 🇯🇴 has copied:

Why is everyone’s main goal to get married and have kids? Like, don’t you guys want to do drugs in foreign countries?

Someone from 🇵🇬 has shared:

I love one-pot recipes. So much less mess than when I was trying to cook things without a pot.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has bookmarked:

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, and most do.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has downloaded:

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has bookmarked:

I’m seriously considering adoption. Who wants me?

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,563

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Roses are red, violets are blue. Your parents are very disappointed in you.

Making waves on Threads:

Think like a crazy person, and then you’ll understand.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Y’all made fun of Plankton on Spongebob for dating a computer, and look at y’all now.

Going viral on Threads:

Cancel culture has been canceled.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Spotted on Reddit:

From now on, I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy just for their visit. It was hard, but I got it done.

Making waves on Twitch:

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower.

Going viral on YouTube:

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school, let’s keep it that way.

Live now on Facebook:

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

“I’m going to get more sleep tonight” is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Witty text about morning lies and sleep deprivation, humorous and playful tone.

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Commentary:
This is me every morning, and caffeine rewards me for being consistent 😂☕💤

always, going, humor, i, lie, morning, myself, procrastination, self-talk, sleep, tell, tonight

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73 shares on WhatsApp this month:

This is my phone. I text back when I want to.

96 shares on Threads this month:

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

50 shares on TikTok this month:

I’m only staying up until midnight on New Year’s to watch that bloody year die.

33 shares on Messenger this month:

After you’ve been married a long time, you become able to communicate nonverbally. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s why we never speak.

10 shares on TikTok this month:

The list of women who haven’t slept with me is really impressive.

35 shares on Facebook this month:

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store.

89 shares on Threads this month:

Girlhood is sitting down in a boiling hot shower instead of dealing with life.

54 shares on WeChat this month:

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay, we’re out of time today”, just like a therapist.

84 shares on YouTube this month:

Asking Santa Claus for nudes.

91 shares on TikTok this month:

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇭 has downloaded:

I need to be more disciplined and stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 40, I’ve had enough.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has copied:

I’ve spent 80% of my adult life resetting my password.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has bookmarked:

America’s national anthem should be changed to Welcome to the Jungle.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has bookmarked:

He took my last fry, your honor.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has copied:

My rapper name would be 2 stressd.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has downloaded:

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has copied:

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has shared:

Just looked around and realized it’s everyone’s first time living.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

Before marriage, I would sit at a stoplight for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Relationship status: my sex robot filed a restraining order.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

I just want everyone to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

If you like true crime stories, I highly recommend the history of the Catholic Church.

Just landed via Instagram:

There are people who have a favourite colour, and there are people whose favourite colour is purple. These are very different things. Purple fans are different creatures.

Breaking via Discord:

Might go to prison so I can focus on the gym properly.

Making waves on Discord:

Sometimes, I feel like I need love, but the moment I finish eating, I realize I was just hungry.

Going viral on Twitch:

Airports are so funny. Like, “Oh, you’re flying across the country? Would you like to hang out in a mall first?”

Seen just now on X:

My dating era has come to an end. I’d like to thank those who participated.

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Activity Log ✨

“I’m going to get more sleep tonight” is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning.

If I were a mouse and I lived in Moscow, I would think, haha, I live in Mousecow!

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

“Kiss From a Rose” makes you think Batman Forever is the most romantic movie ever made.

They’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo.

Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

“I’m going to get more sleep tonight” is always the first lie I tell myself in the morning.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If I were a mouse and I lived in Moscow, I would think, haha, I live in Mousecow!

Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

“Kiss From a Rose” makes you think Batman Forever is the most romantic movie ever made.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

They’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo.

Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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