“Jump to Recipe” is the closest we’ll ever get to teleportation.

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There’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink. It’s already wet.

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Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

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Nobody gets angrier than a man being accused of something he actually did.

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I want to sleep but my brain won’t stop talking to itself.

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Sorry, I’m late. I found my old CD collection.

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The longer I work in corporate, the more I realize… Micromanaging is just insecurity dressed up as leadership.

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Having a crush should be considered a form of self-harm.