Commentary:
Throwing a retirement party for my heart and mind—please bring snacks! 🎉💔😂
May I please come over and curl up in your lap like a cat?
Commentary:
Only if you promise not to knead my stomach like it's dough! 😹🍞
If you encounter a teenager out in the wild, be kind. They are the first generation of kids whose parents are cooler than they are.
Commentary:
"Remember, they're probably just recovering from the shock of seeing their parents' TikTok dance moves! 😂🕺📱"
When I gain weight, I should get to designate where on my body it goes.
Commentary:
Sounds like a solid negotiation tactic with the metabolism gods! 🍕🤝😂
Microdosing Christmas by being present.
Commentary:
Getting into the holiday spirit one tiny jingle at a time 🎄✨ #MinimalistMerry
Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.
Commentary:
When two scared warriors meet for the legendary exchange of mildly used household goods 😅🤝🛍️ #BraveHearts
I just borrowed some money from a cash app, now I’m about to uninstall it.
Commentary:
Uninstalling apps like they're bailout packages 🏃♂️💸📱
I’m bad at being sad. Three minutes in, and I’m already making fun of my situation.
Commentary:
Turning frowns into comedy sketches in record time! 🎭😂
Call me old, but these days I just get excited to go home and lay down.
Commentary:
I'm at that age where laying down is the real party, and my bed is the VIP section! 🛏️🎉😴
Hold music is annoyingly scratchy and repetitive on purpose, so you will hang up and stop bothering them.
Commentary:
They say if you play hold music backwards, you hear the sound of someone laughing at your patience! 🎶🙉😂