A house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

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Kinda in the mood to let my feelings impair my judgement.

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I’m an optimist and i understand how annoying that is.

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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

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Eternal Sunshine of the Thotless Grind.

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Being a woman is hard. You always want to buy something, slap someone, lose weight and eat something sweet.

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Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea.

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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh, that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

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When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

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She’s the kind of beautiful that makes me do 40 push-ups in my room at 3am.