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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇬🇶 has bookmarked:

If you go by “Toni,” I always think your full name is Rigatoni.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has viewed:

No one talks about the resentment you have towards yourself after you didn’t listen to your gut.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has bookmarked:

Many of you need to put “lighten up” on your resolutions list.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has downloaded:

“Just be yourself”—that has gotten me mixed results in the past.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has copied:

Changing my passwords regularly has certainly helped protect my accounts. Against me.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has copied:

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world. Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for stealing.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has downloaded:

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes, I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has shared:

After 30, an all-nighter is not getting up to pee.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has downloaded:

The week between Christmas and New Year’s should be studied as it is clearly a wormhole, disturbing time and space.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

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3,300

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Threads:

I’m brave but not “order something different from the restaurant menu” kind of brave.

Shared recently on YouTube:

“You look nervous” Thanks, I’ve been practicing my whole life.

Breaking via Instagram:

I’m tired of adding ‘LOL’ to the end of my texts for sensitive people.

Trending via Telegram:

The Face ID on my phone won’t work until it sees the loss of hope in my eyes.

Just shared via WeChat:

Oftentimes, I like the idea of an activity. The actual doing of said activity, not so much.

Going viral on X:

Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically and no one chews loud.

Live now on Discord:

Sleep is a free trial of death but with ads.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

Shared recently on Discord:

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Being gracefully unhinged is the only way to get through the everyday bullshit.

2 weeks ago

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Witty quote about embracing chaos to handle daily stress with humor and grace.

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Embracing my inner chaos like a pro—who knew being delightfully unhinged was a life skill? 😂🙃🔧

attitude, being, bullshit, coping, everyday, graceful, gracefully, humor, life, only, resilience, through, unhinged

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57 shares on Messenger this month:

Some people should have read-only access to the internet.

70 shares on Instagram this month:

I always stop the microwave before it beeps because it’s not the boss of me.

31 shares on Messenger this month:

At my size, I’d be called Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

73 shares on X this month:

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee, so now I’m tired but faster.

28 shares on Snapchat this month:

Me, to the printer: “Hey, could you print this out for me?” Printer: “Sure, but first I’ll show you all the sounds I can make.”

73 shares on YouTube this month:

In my 20s: Jingle all the way. In my 40s: Jingle til around ten.

98 shares on LinkedIn this month:

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

52 shares on Telegram this month:

In the coffee shop, booing everyone who orders decaf.

88 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Retiring my wallet condom after two years of active duty. 87 tours with 0 combat deployments.

17 shares on X this month:

The Pope is the only employee who never gets to see his boss. Not even at the Christmas party.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇿 has viewed:

Sarcastically saying “you’re welcome” to the people who don’t say thank you when I hold the door for them is something I’ll never stop doing.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has viewed:

I left the house with wet hair and no makeup on, so I’m sure I’ll run into everyone I know.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has bookmarked:

Roses are red. Daisies are white. I’m in a grumpy mood. My underwear is too tight.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has bookmarked:

This year has been the perfect blend between me losing my mind and having the time of my life.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has shared:

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

Wow, you have a very impressive collection of strange tendencies.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

Walmart was wild as hell today, so I fit right in.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Pinterest:

You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?

Live now on Reddit:

Grocery carts should have barcode scanners on them so you can see how much you’re spending as you put things in your cart.

Making waves on Telegram:

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Just shared via YouTube:

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I met the real Santa tonight, and he said you’re all in trouble.

Spotted on Twitch:

Long story short, I survived.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Getting sent money you didn’t ask for is very sexy.

Going viral on Telegram:

Nothing humbles you faster than your phone slipping out of your hand and hitting your face.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

You’re so productive for your wage.

Spotted on WeChat:

Sounds like you are suffering from a lack of vitamin Me.

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Activity Log ✨

Being gracefully unhinged is the only way to get through the everyday bullshit.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon.

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

He died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long. Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long.

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Being gracefully unhinged is the only way to get through the everyday bullshit.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Pro tip: When you sign up for anything online, put the website’s name as your middle name. Now, when you receive spam, you will know who sold your data.

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon.

Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.

Good morning, may your coffee be strong and your boss not weird today.

He died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish.

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long. Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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