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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇷 has shared:

I want a chiropractor to crack my entire body like a glow stick.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

Bugs Bunny was my introduction to opera. Can’t say I’ve kept up with it much since.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has viewed:

That drum solo from In the Air Tonight, but it’s me just slapping my tummy, waiting for the microwave to beep.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has shared:

If I go quiet, it’s because I am plotting my escape or your demise.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has copied:

“You don’t look 40.” How am I supposed to look?

Someone from 🇳🇪 has bookmarked:

I’m officially at the age where I understand why my parents never wanted to go anywhere after work.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has copied:

What a bleak life it must be if you’ve never had a drink shoot through your nose when you laugh.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has downloaded:

Single in the womb, single till the tomb!

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

94 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,363

Funny Quotes Topics

17,479

Funny Quotes Images

15,363

Jan 2, 2026

3,338

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Making waves on Twitch:

Taking screenshots of the screenshots buried in my photo library to ‘bring them to the front.’ It’s not a great system, I admit.

Going viral on Messenger:

Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Back in the office this morning, trying to remember what I do for work.

Just shared via TikTok:

Taking a sip of beer and letting out a big “ahhhh” so the pregnant lady at the pool next to me knows what she’s missing.

Seen just now on Twitch:

I feel bad for those that don’t enjoy their own company. I be having a ball by myself.

Seen just now on X:

Why is there a level 6 for toasters? As if someone thinks: “Tonight I’m really in the mood for ashes with butter!”

Making waves on Slack:

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Funny command quotes

Funny command quotes are the perfect blend of wit and authority that make you chuckle while taking orders 😄💼 Whether you’re bossing around your friends or need a laugh during a busy workday, these clever lines turn commands into comedy gold 🎭✨ Get ready to smile and maybe even obey—because who knew instructions could be this fun? 😂👉 #CommandTheLaughs

New funny command quotes 👇

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

0

2 months ago

am, boss, command, conversation, driver, driving, humor, i, job, joke, left, love, me, navigation, nobody, own, said, taxi, taxi driver, today, turn
It’s like my wish isn’t even your command anymore…

0

2 months ago

command, even, frustration, humor, irony, joke, relationship, sarcasm, wish
Pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian.

0

2 months ago

arrested, chain, chain of command, charge, city, comedy, comedy idea, command, concept, funny concept, idea, leader, librarian, major, major city, people, person, running, sitcom, top, unexpected, unexpected leader, where
If your god commands you to kill others, find another god.

0

2 months ago

another, belief, command, God, humor, kill, morality, religion
Alexa, play everyone that played me.

0

4 months ago

Alexa, assistant, command, everyone, funny command, humor, joke, me, music, music request, play, played, request, technology, voice, voice assistant

All funny command quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

🎲 Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Social Media Stars ⭐

72 shares on TikTok this month:

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar. They didn’t planet that way.

18 shares on Messenger this month:

Bacon should be free for anyone having a bad day.

66 shares on WeChat this month:

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought a couple days ago have ripened.

71 shares on Slack this month:

Nobody gets angrier than a man being accused of something he actually did.

17 shares on Messenger this month:

It is very hard to set aside the time to do your taxes when you are really busy doing other things like eating a snack or looking around the room.

80 shares on Twitch this month:

I’m feeling very anxious. I think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off.

57 shares on Threads this month:

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end.

35 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Got a botched circumcision, now my willy wonka.

76 shares on Messenger this month:

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

50 shares on Discord this month:

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

17 folks are currently checking 👀

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

13 folks are currently checking 👀

If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I.

11 folks are currently checking 👀

Why the hell is it called the restroom? I am fighting for my life in here.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

They should invent a day where you aren’t tired.

10 folks are currently checking 👀

I’m lacking vitamin c-ash.

15 folks are currently checking 👀

The cool thing about Twitter is you’re never the craziest one.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

Do you ever eat a properly salted meal and suddenly understand why the ancient Romans were willing to be paid in salt?

23 folks are currently checking 👀

It’s a good thing that not everyone has a smartphone. We also need people who honk when the lights turn green.

19 folks are currently checking 👀

That one friend who has a dangerously loose grasp on food safety.

20 folks are currently checking 👀

If I could turn water into wine, I’d have lots of followers too.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

94 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,363

Funny Quotes Topics

17,479

Funny Quotes Images

15,363

Updated

Jan 2, 2026

Users Online

3,657

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇶 has viewed:

Worst part about not buying snacks so you won’t eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

Roses are red. Daisies are white. I’m in a grumpy mood. My underwear is too tight.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has viewed:

Whoever invented the gender reveal party needs to be launched into the sun.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has copied:

Men want to meet up too easily. What if I plan to sacrifice you?

Someone from 🇹🇿 has viewed:

Driving a newer car is like “Oh weird, this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature”.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has shared:

A house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has viewed:

My future husband is very lucky; he will never stay hungry, because I know so many restaurants with delicious food.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has bookmarked:

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a cool motorcycle. Also, here’s a cool piano.”

Someone from 🇪🇹 has shared:

Imagine hating on me and I’m just in my room also hating on me.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Discord:

The trouble with living alone is that it’s always my turn to do the dishes.

Seen just now on Slack:

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

Just landed via Instagram:

“You’re acting weird!” I’m not acting.

Going viral on WeChat:

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Rudolph’s bright red nose would not have done anything to improve Santa’s visibility in dense fog.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Gonna vibe recklessly and call it “character development”

Going viral on YouTube:

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Going viral on X:

Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Ho, ho, holy shit is Christmas stressful.

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