5559 funny i quotes - Page 17 - Wordgag

My superpower is wasting time I don’t even have.

May 29, 2026

I simply accept my extreme loneliness as punishment for something I did in a past life, and don’t worry about it.

May 29, 2026

“It’s not that deep!” Well, I have a shovel and I enjoy digging for meaning.

May 29, 2026

Females be naked so much online, I be like, damn, I bet she look good in a sweater.

May 29, 2026

The miracle of DoorDash is that I just pick up my phone, punch a few things into it, and within half an hour I have, at my door, a $52 salad.

May 29, 2026

I think every app should, by law, let you deactivate all of its short-form video content.

May 29, 2026

Inside you, there are two wolves. Kevin Costner is dancing with both of them. I don’t know how this works.

May 29, 2026

“Damn, you’re tight!” I whisper as I look at my monthly budget.

May 29, 2026

I don’t understand, “kill them with kindness”; can I use a lightsaber instead?

May 29, 2026

If we breakup because you “wanna focus on school,” I better see you in Harvard.

May 29, 2026

“I’m at that stage of Christmas shopping where I start buying myself presents.”

May 29, 2026

I say things I don’t mean on spicy chicken.

May 29, 2026

If I were to “picture everybody in the room naked,” I would be stunned and in awe of the beauty and diversity of the human form before me. But thanks for the advice.

May 29, 2026

According to my Spotify Wrapped, I am what got played the most this year.

May 29, 2026

I don’t have an advent calendar, so I’m just opening cupboard doors and eating what’s in there.

May 29, 2026

Guys, stop showering. I need the water for ChatGPT.

May 29, 2026

If I was a fish, I’d be smoking all the seaweed.

May 29, 2026

No, sorry, next week won’t work. I’ll be a shadow of what I once was.

May 29, 2026

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster… so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

May 29, 2026

“I’m disgusted by how many of you still use Spotify. I use a fair trade, ethically conscientious mom-and-pop platform called Apple Music.”

May 29, 2026

I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.

May 29, 2026

Some people believe the appendix is a vestigial organ, that its use has long since passed. I think it’s primordial. Its use has yet to come.

May 29, 2026

Sorry, boss, I can’t come into work today. I’m trying to capture the childlike joy of December.

May 29, 2026

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

May 29, 2026

“You’re in her DMs, my faint presence sits in her Spotify Wrapped through the music I introduced her to. We’re not the same.”

May 29, 2026

Spotify Wrapped has a special talent for pulling up an artist I’ve literally never heard of and telling me I actually listen to them 2,000 times per day.

May 29, 2026

I accidentally clicked on an ad, so I guess I will see that product all over my phone until I’m dead.

May 29, 2026

Dear diary, I have to lock in tomorrow, fix everything, and do everything.

May 29, 2026

Maybe I died of Covid in 2020, and this is hell.

May 29, 2026

If I had a tiny girlfriend, I would love to throw her across gaps so she can pull levers and open doors that get me to her part of the level.

May 29, 2026

I like listening to music in languages I don’t speak because sometimes I just don’t wanna know what anybody is talking about.

May 29, 2026

I run every day for 30 minutes. If I miss a day, I add 30 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.

May 29, 2026

I love how a film can be life-changing for one person and boring for another.

May 29, 2026

When I don’t have money, I stop talking to women out of respect.

May 29, 2026

Every time I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like he wants a refund.

May 29, 2026

I’m at the age where I see a huge, beautiful mansion in a movie and think, “How much does it cost to heat that house in the winter?”

May 29, 2026

I swear the air gets heavier around 6 p.m. on Sundays. You can feel the Microsoft Teams energy approaching.

May 29, 2026

I would do absolutely anything to get 8 hours of sleep, except for going to bed 8 hours before I need to wake up.

May 29, 2026

The older I get, I realize my mom was right, but I just didn’t like her tone.

May 29, 2026

What age will I grow out of not answering the door when I’m home and sneaking around the house to find out who’s knocking?

May 29, 2026