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3 months ago
Share →: There’s a disgusting pervert at the bar watching pornography over my shoulder.

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Oh, dear! Looks like someone’s giving new meaning to the term "over-the-shoulder viewing." 🤭🍸 Remember, folks, a little privacy goes a long way, especially when it comes to choosing what to watch over a cocktail! 😉📺 #BarEtiquetteGoneWrong

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You ask a girl if she ate, and she gon say, “Yeah, I had my coffee.”

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I finally figured out my lifelong dream of becoming a human blanket, but my friends still call it napping on their couch.

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A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the TV.

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I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

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Time needs a speed limit.

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Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

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My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

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I wish my wife’s sighs came with subtitles.

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If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

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I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

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I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

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Men need women, women need men. The end.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

Red Bull doesn’t give me wings, it gives me gas.

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Perhaps the best thing about getting older is that I no longer want to know everything.

Tried online dating, and it turns out my soulmate is a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details to escape his kingdom.

At least I’m part of the generation that at 30 still looks like it’s in its early 20s.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle.

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I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets, and now I’ll never eat again.

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Being an adult is getting excited about buying new appliances.

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The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just Catholicism.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you give it a really good massage?

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

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