136 funny yourself quotes - Page 3 - Wordgag

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

May 23, 2026

“Stand up for yourself!” Girl, I have low iron.

May 23, 2026

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow.

May 23, 2026

The sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you is called Bi-yourself.

May 23, 2026

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

May 23, 2026

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

May 23, 2026

Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

May 22, 2026

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes “o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra”. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”.

May 22, 2026

“How would you describe yourself.” Me: I absolutely would not.

May 22, 2026

Insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the Ph. D.! Why are you attacking me? I’m so tired.

May 22, 2026

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

May 22, 2026

Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

May 22, 2026

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

May 22, 2026

The most embarrassing thing in the world is when you make a fool of yourself in front of a baby and it doesn’t laugh.

May 22, 2026

Stop blaming yourself for your failures. Learn astrology and blame the planets.

May 22, 2026

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

May 22, 2026

If someone else makes you a sandwich, it’s always better than if you do it yourself. It’s the same with sex.

May 22, 2026

Actually, you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

May 22, 2026

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

May 22, 2026

True luxury is sleeping until you wake up by yourself.

May 22, 2026

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

May 21, 2026

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

May 21, 2026

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

May 21, 2026

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch.

May 21, 2026

Back in my day, if you were 14 on the internet, you kept that to yourself.

May 21, 2026

You ever got inside jokes with yourself, or is that schizophrenia?

May 21, 2026

Always tell people different stories about yourself, so when they talk about you, they’ll argue.

May 21, 2026

Job interview: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: Hopefully on a sabbatical.

May 21, 2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself. People online: Hold my beer.

May 21, 2026

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you.

May 21, 2026

You’re always bitching about your alarm clock, but put yourself in his shoes. The first thing he sees in the morning is your face.

May 21, 2026

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

May 21, 2026

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo.

May 20, 2026

Nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head.

May 20, 2026

Going out to eat and shopping by yourself is actually one of the most peaceful and therapeutic things ever.

May 20, 2026

Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

May 20, 2026

Netflix & by yourself.

May 20, 2026

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

May 20, 2026

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I ever.

May 20, 2026

Life hack: give yourself 8 to 12 hours of alone time in the morning to mentally prepare for the day.

May 20, 2026