My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday. Posted onMay 25, 2026
One day you’re young and carefree and the next you sneeze too hard and hurt your neck. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I once let a really short guy be the big spoon and it felt like I went to bed with a backpack on. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I love coming home and being at home and sitting inside my home and staying home. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I think if you ask Kanye for a million at the right time, he’ll give it to you. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first. Posted onMay 25, 2026
You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood. Posted onMay 25, 2026
It’s messed up how us humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Menstruation is bizarre. It’s like something David Lynch would have came up with. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Adulthood is saying “but after this week things will slow down a bit” over and over until you die. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My favorite part of parenting is being exhausted all the time and losing the will to live. Posted onMay 25, 2026
When I get filthy rich, I will stay humble by continuing to use grocery bags as bathroom trash bags. Posted onMay 25, 2026
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t get involved in anyone’s business, let alone their drama. You should try it. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Men only have money the first month of dating, that’s recruitment budget, never confuse it with operational budget. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Two of the best things in life are laughing and orgasms. I want to make you do both a lot. Posted onMay 25, 2026