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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

Calm yourself, Lucifer. You did the right thing coming to me for advice.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

When things get hot, they expand, so I’m just getting warmer, not gaining weight.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has bookmarked:

My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has shared:

If you have children, you can experience all human emotions before 9 a.m. on Sundays.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has copied:

Forget all this adulting stuff, let’s bring back Saturday morning cartoons.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has viewed:

So crazy to just be living every day through the slow-motion car crash of escalating fascism, and it’s still like, “Aww, man, I have to go to the dentist.”

Someone from 🇸🇱 has viewed:

I wish I could get a bouquet of mozzarella sticks.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has copied:

If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has bookmarked:

Some of you are out here driving like your turn signal’s free trial ended and you’re all out of blinks.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

I’m shocked it offended you, I was certain someone was gonna need to explain it to you.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

I love being a girly girl and going to sleep all moisturized, juicy, and soft. Lip balm on. Layering on scents just to beauty rest.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

Hi, where do you meet someone without dating apps and if you never leave your apartment? I need tips, please. Urgently!

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I think I’ll just sit here and waste oxygen all day.

Just landed via Telegram:

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

I find that age is just a number, and the older you get, the number you get.

Seen just now on YouTube:

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

Just shared via X:

Doctor advised me to stop drinking. This is going to be a big change for me. I was with that doctor for decades.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Welcome to your 50s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

Trending via WeChat:

Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore.

The gap in my resume is because I was trying to reach enlightenment for 5 years.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about career gaps and spiritual pursuit with humorous, playful tone.

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Commentary:
Achieving "Master of Zen and the Art of Couch Surfing" isn't just a skill, it's a lifestyle 🧘‍♂️✨🛋️

5, break, career, career break, enlightenment, gap, humor, i, job, job gap, meditation, reach, resume, resume gap, self-improvement, trying

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Social Media Stars ⭐

37 shares on Pinterest this month:

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

62 shares on TikTok this month:

I want someone to care for me as much as Netflix cares if someone has logged into my account from another device.

61 shares on YouTube this month:

By the way, if you don’t buy anything on Black Friday, you can save up to 100%.

65 shares on Slack this month:

Going from “I can fix her” to “I don’t care if she lives or dies” in the same beer.

86 shares on Threads this month:

I’m not mad, I just hope your socks slide off in your shoe all day.

100 shares on X this month:

I really want a family… sized bag of peanut butter M&Ms.

96 shares on WeChat this month:

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

71 shares on YouTube this month:

I might look like I have my life together, but that’s only because the mess is out of the camera frame.

95 shares on TikTok this month:

Your email finds me deeply unwell. Teetering on the edge really.

62 shares on Snapchat this month:

If you like true crime stories, I highly recommend the history of the Catholic Church.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇾 has shared:

The meeting of the Anonymous Pessimists was canceled. It wouldn’t have helped anyway.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

Asking a film guy, “Who is that?” when Tom Cruise comes on screen just to feel something.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control in their hand.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has downloaded:

Having a good heart has done nothing but made me look stupid.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has copied:

I honestly have no idea what a vitamin is. It’s in a banana but it’s also the sun? Sure.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Beginning of August is always wild because it’s peak summertime, but the veil is so thin, like it’s Halloween.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has viewed:

Good morning, did you have a nice weekend? I ask my many open work tabs.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has viewed:

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has bookmarked:

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

Women love it when you approach them on the street and say “whoa, is there a hot babe convention in town?”

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Discord:

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Going viral on TikTok:

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

Shared recently on Slack:

Thanks to social media, you can now meet weirdos from the comfort of your own home.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

It’s Friday. I ran out of small talk on Tuesday. Please leave me alone.

Seen just now on X:

Do you ever stress about money, then accidentally order from Amazon?

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

If she forgives you, then 30 minutes later comes back mad again: that means she told her friends in her group chat, and the board of directors did not agree.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

The introvert urge to leave a social event without saying goodbye to anyone.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

The inner child in me is open-mouth coughing on the inner child in you.

Trending via WeChat:

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

Spotted on Telegram:

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

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Activity Log ✨

The gap in my resume is because I was trying to reach enlightenment for 5 years.

The longest and most adventurous journeys begin with the words: “I know a shortcut.”

I thought my mixed signals were perfectly clear.

The Gulf of Mexico should’ve been renamed to Sea Señor.

Whenever someone says “Per ChatGPT” or “ChatGPT says,” I look at them like they just consulted a magic 8 ball because, please, stop playing with me.

Another fine day ruined by waking up.

Take your days off, these jobs don’t care about you.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

The gap in my resume is because I was trying to reach enlightenment for 5 years.

Keep the laugh going 😂

The longest and most adventurous journeys begin with the words: “I know a shortcut.”

I thought my mixed signals were perfectly clear.

The Gulf of Mexico should’ve been renamed to Sea Señor.

Whenever someone says “Per ChatGPT” or “ChatGPT says,” I look at them like they just consulted a magic 8 ball because, please, stop playing with me.

Another fine day ruined by waking up.

Take your days off, these jobs don’t care about you.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨