Cats clean themselves with their little fish breath mouths, but somehow they always smell like laundry detergent, vanilla, and happiness.

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I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing.

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I made a smoothie that needs a spoon.

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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to.”

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My favorite pastime is looking for meaning where there is none.

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Behind every strong, independent woman… is a dog that follows her to the bathroom.

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I’ll rewind a movie, get on my phone, and miss the same part.

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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on. I’m going to say something.