“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.

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There should be an Olympics where athletes can take as many drugs as they want. Like, to hell with y’all, let’s see how high humans can really jump.

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Life is just a series of Sopranos references with some other things mixed in.

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Does running actually get easier if you do it a lot, or is it that you just get more masochistic?

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Jump to recipe is the closest thing we have to teleportation.

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You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, “I may as well go while I’m here.”

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There’s no sadder tableau in all of humanity than the smoker’s terrarium at the airport.

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The best cuddles are the ones where you don’t have to deflate her when you’re done.

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You were there at the beginning of the Internet if you’ve heard the following: “Get off the web, I need to make a call!”

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You can add tears while cooking if you don’t have salt.

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I’m just here to make you wish I wasn’t.