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  • Giving out false information so I know who the leak is.

    …

    Commentary:
    “When your detective career collides with your drama queen side! 🎭🔍 #PlotTwistExpert”

  • Summer body? Folks, I’m cosplaying as a potato that’s seen some things.

    …

    Commentary:
    “Spuds and giggles! Who needs a beach bod when you can embody the wisdom of a well-traveled tater? 😂🥔✨”

  • Mambo No. 5, but it’s in a minor key, and I’m naming women who didn’t text me back.

    …

    Commentary:
    “When your life’s playlist is a little too *sharp* 🎵 and your inbox is a little too *flat* 📱😂!”

  • Sending your selfies to NASA because you’re a star.

    …

    Commentary:
    “NASA called—they want their star back! 🚀✨ #OutOfThisWorld”

  • Maybe her DMs haven’t been working for 2 months.

    …

    Commentary:
    “Did her DMs go on a sabbatical? 😂📩📴”

  • I wish rolling your eyes burned calories.

    Commentary:
    “With the amount of eye rolls I do daily, I’d be a fitness icon by now! 🙄💪😂”

  • Taking a sip of beer and letting out a big “ahhhh” so the pregnant lady at the pool next to me knows what she’s missing.

    Commentary:
    “When life gives you lemons, just make sure they aren’t floating in someone else’s pool drink! 🍺😆🤰 #PoolsidePerks”

  • Weed smokers be like, “Hold up — before we go to the store, I have to get scared.”

    Commentary:
    “When grocery shopping turns into a horror movie: *The Munchies: Chapter 4!* 🛒🌿👻😂”

  • My dad called my philosophy degree a “license for unemployment.”

    Commentary:
    “When you can’t get hired, at least you’ve got the license to think about it deeply! 🧠💼😅”

  • Carefully choosing which wine to pair with a McRib.

    Commentary:
    “When you’re deciding between a fine Merlot or a rare ‘McRib Red’ for that gourmet experience! 🍷🤔🍔”

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