272 funny night quotes - Page 5 - Wordgag

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

May 23, 2026

Basically a lot of my problems boil down to me being really bad at waking up, and also really bad at going to sleep.

May 23, 2026

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at night.

May 23, 2026

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

May 23, 2026

Gwyneth Paltrow, I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan.

May 23, 2026

Hey, sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes.

May 23, 2026

Why is the debate at night time? Let’s get this thing started at 4pm. I don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

May 23, 2026

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

May 23, 2026

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone.

May 23, 2026

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

May 23, 2026

What happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again.

May 23, 2026

If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

May 23, 2026

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

May 23, 2026

There are rumors that someone came down the chimney last night. This is preposterous. I would have lost my mind.

May 23, 2026

Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

May 22, 2026

Unpopular Opinion: Die Hard is a Harry Potter movie. He sneaks around a tower at night avoiding Alan Rickman.

May 22, 2026

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

May 22, 2026

Me driving at night: I hope this is the road!

May 22, 2026

Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

May 22, 2026

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform.

May 22, 2026

Putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep.

May 22, 2026

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought so many socks online last night.

May 22, 2026

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile, I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

May 22, 2026

Unpopular opinion: The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

May 22, 2026

Sunday night: Super Bowl party! Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!

May 22, 2026

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.” I’m like, look, we had one night of drunken shopping, we are not in a relationship.

May 22, 2026

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

May 22, 2026

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

May 22, 2026

A babysitter is a teenager who acts like an adult while the adults go out to act like teenagers.

May 22, 2026

Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in.

May 22, 2026

Hello bedtime my old friend, my brain is laughing once again.

May 22, 2026

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

May 22, 2026

When the moon hits your eye like it’s 5:45, that’s November.

May 22, 2026

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when I say it’s bed time.

May 22, 2026

Women do not snore. The sound they make at night is just the rewinding of the vocal cords.

May 22, 2026

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

May 22, 2026

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

May 22, 2026

I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids.

May 22, 2026

Being single allows you to do a lot of things. For example, standing naked in the kitchen at night and eating cold pizza.

May 22, 2026

If you listen to my husband snore, you don’t need Jurassic Park anymore.

May 21, 2026