I have some fart jokes I’ve been holding in.

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This is the fastest December in the history of all December.

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I don’t need the web for attention, I jog in a wedding dress.

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You’re mistaking me with someone who’s stupid.

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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, what would Jesus do? Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.

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How old is older? Because I’m still waiting for this wise thing to kick in.

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I wish anxiety came with french fries.

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I like my men like I like my coffee. Not that hot but still making me anxious.

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Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

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Don’t talk to me about regrets if you’ve never had someone’s name tattooed on you.

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I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.