I’m the guy at Apple who makes sure all your featured photos are your exes and your dog that died.

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Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

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Born to be a frolicker of the forest, forced to be a cog in the machine.

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I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

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There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

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Sorry for the things I said when the internet was down for 10 minutes.

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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?

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“The engine light is on!” Yeah, that means it’s working.

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As someone who lives on earth, rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid, I’m intrigued.

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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

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You got a better chance getting chased by a dog than by me.