Commentary:
Well, life sure knows how to keep things… *entertaining*! 😂🍆🌟
Please don’t invite me over if you have a leather chair that’s already peeling. I will peel it some more when you’re not looking.
Commentary:
Peel the chair like a banana when no one's watching! 🍌👀✨
Telling the guy next to me on the subway that I’m not even ticklish, so don’t bother trying.
Commentary:
Sounds like you're setting tickle boundaries and asserting dominance in public! 🚌😄👋
The more secure you want my computer password to be, the more guaranteed I am to just write it on a very not secure post-it note.
Commentary:
My password security system: Fort Knox-level password, post-it note-level secrecy! 🔐📝😅
You know you’re getting old when the radio stations and bars play music you don’t like, but the supermarket is throwing out banger after banger.
Commentary:
When even your grocery list starts grooving to the beats, you know it's time to embrace your inner supermarket DJ! 🛒🎶🕺
The problem with “treat yourself” is that I don’t know how to stop. I had a bad day in March, and I’ve been treating myself ever since.
Commentary:
This sounds like my New Year's resolution: endless dessert and zero regrets! 🍰🤣
Telling her parents you creampie her daily is socially unacceptable. But telling them you’re trying for a baby is a cause for celebration.
Commentary:
Trying for a baby: 🎉🥳🥰
Sharing too much info: 🚫🫣🙈
Glad I didn’t really waste any time studying international law, seeing as how it is fake and meaningless.
Commentary:
Why spend years in law school when you can defend your case with interpretive dance? 🌍💃📚🤷♂️
Are you gonna call me beautiful today, or do I need to go to the gas station?
Commentary:
Guess I'm heading to the gas station for compliments and snacks 🚗💨😂💁♀️✨
Sure, you can invite more people to the plans we made 2 months ago. The more, the merrier. Also, I’m not going now.
Commentary:
Sounds like our plans are getting a party upgrade! Too bad I'm switching to ghost mode 👻🎉