I’m about to start telling people, “As long as that makes sense to you,” when they say shit that doesn’t make sense to me. Posted onMay 19, 2026
People think I forgot the shit they said. Ain’t no expiration date on disrespect. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My super talent is hitting every red light on the way to wherever the hell I’m going. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My favorite kind of gender reveal is the one where the parents find out, and they just tell everyone through text instead of making me go to a party. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I used to be cool, but now I just can’t wait to get on the couch by 7 p.m., in my pajamas, with a quilted blanket. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate when the iPhone corrects ‘Omw’ to ‘On my way!’. Man, I am not that excited. Posted onMay 19, 2026
You know it’s bad when people start telling you, you are the strongest person they’ve ever met. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream, I should also be. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Ever been in the car with someone who drives so fast that you press your imaginary brakes on the passenger side? Posted onMay 19, 2026
Sorry if I seem sad, I got a new long-sleeve shirt for fall, but I haven’t been able to wear it yet because it’s 94°. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My worst fear is looking out my window at night, and someone looking right at me. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Just paid my bills. The only thing left on my card is my name and expiration date. Posted onMay 19, 2026
They say 30 is the new 20, and 40 the new 30. All I know is 9 p.m. is the new midnight. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My laundry is done, but I don’t even want it anymore. The washing machine can keep it. Posted onMay 19, 2026
We really do need a separate grocery store for people who’ve been on Earth before. Posted onMay 19, 2026
On my phone, you’ll never see contacts saved as ‘babe’ or ‘love.’ I save full names—first and last—like a government office. Posted onMay 19, 2026