Sorry for texting you back instantly. My phone was in my hand, and I’m mature and actually like you. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Congrats on hitting your Q3 numbers. Here’s an even bigger Q4 number that you’ll be fired for missing. Posted onMay 19, 2026
When I was a kid, no phones or tablets. We just read the cereal box at breakfast. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I never wanted to download the Microsoft Authenticator app on my personal phone to access every professional platform necessary to do my job. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Making friends as an adult is wild because there’s so much lore to catch up on. You’ll be 3 years in and still get random drops like, ‘Oh, by the way, I used to be married.’ Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love how you get on Twitter, and all your thoughts are already in someone else’s tweet. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Y’all be riding them bikes in the street like I don’t gotta look up my next song. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I love surprising my metabolism. It never knows what’s coming—either absolute starvation or 1,000+ calories all at once. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The “Wooooooooo” track from sitcoms should play whenever you kiss someone in real life. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I’m about to start telling people, “As long as that makes sense to you,” when they say shit that doesn’t make sense to me. Posted onMay 19, 2026
People think I forgot the shit they said. Ain’t no expiration date on disrespect. Posted onMay 19, 2026
The algorithm knows about that thing you like that you’re denying yourself of. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My super talent is hitting every red light on the way to wherever the hell I’m going. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My favorite kind of gender reveal is the one where the parents find out, and they just tell everyone through text instead of making me go to a party. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I used to be cool, but now I just can’t wait to get on the couch by 7 p.m., in my pajamas, with a quilted blanket. Posted onMay 19, 2026
I hate when the iPhone corrects ‘Omw’ to ‘On my way!’. Man, I am not that excited. Posted onMay 19, 2026
You know it’s bad when people start telling you, you are the strongest person they’ve ever met. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream, I should also be. Posted onMay 19, 2026
Ever been in the car with someone who drives so fast that you press your imaginary brakes on the passenger side? Posted onMay 19, 2026
Sorry if I seem sad, I got a new long-sleeve shirt for fall, but I haven’t been able to wear it yet because it’s 94°. Posted onMay 19, 2026
My worst fear is looking out my window at night, and someone looking right at me. Posted onMay 19, 2026