They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

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Accidentally falling asleep is always the best sleep — and that’s so irritating.

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Balloons are so weird. “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

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That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test.

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The fewer friends at your birthday party means more cake for you. Follow me for more life hacks.

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God knew I’d be too powerful if He made me not annoying to women.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

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Folks, please have more respect for people with glasses. Because they pay money to see you.

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Ah, summer. When my non-consensual relationship with mosquitoes begins.

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Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch episodes of hoarders on TV and then I think “Wow, my house looks awesome!”

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No matter how early you get up, fate always gets up half an hour earlier.