We could have high-speed rail that connects the entire country, but instead we get AI porn bots that steal all of our drinking water to entertain the dumbest people alive.

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Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea.

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People aren’t too bad if you stay away from them and don’t go outside.

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You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do.

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The most dangerous part of your 50s is those first few steps after prolonged sitting.

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I will unfriend, uncousin, unco-worker, unfollow, unfamily any draining soul real quick.

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Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

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You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

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I be outside telling people I don’t got social media when they ask.

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Let’s ride this misunderstanding into the sunset.

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Finally my winter fat has gone. I now have spring rolls.