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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇱 has bookmarked:

I’ve had two glasses of wine and responded with “Omgggg congrats, sweet girl” on an engagement post of someone I haven’t spoken to in 5 years.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has bookmarked:

I am re-watching “Narcos,” and I have to say that for someone who smokes so much weed, Pablo Escobar gets a lot done.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has viewed:

You really have to enjoy the way a man is acting in the beginning, because you will never meet that man again.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has downloaded:

Don’t disrespect me and then be the moral compass on how I respond.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

Be the spooky thing in the woods that you wish to see in the world.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has downloaded:

“I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For example, I thought it was a good idea to leave the house today, which, as it turns out, was a terrible mistake.”

Someone from 🇨🇾 has bookmarked:

Before ball parks were invented there was pretty much no way to give someone a rough estimate.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has viewed:

Your twenties are for working towards a life you later won’t want.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has copied:

Be the reason someone spits out their drink today.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Jan 19, 2026

3,385

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Slack:

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee.

Seen just now on Slack:

I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

Just shared via X:

It is very hard to set aside the time to do your taxes when you are really busy doing other things like eating a snack or looking around the room.

Seen just now on Threads:

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Buying books and reading them are actually two entirely different hobbies.

Just landed via Reddit:

I don’t mean to say that I drink a lot of coffee, but Colombian farmers have a photo of me in their wallets.

Just landed via TikTok:

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them.

Live now on Slack:

Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

Just shared via WhatsApp:

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school. Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Dear recipe websites. I don’t need your life story. Just give me the recipe.

27 Funny awake quotes

Funny awake quotes are the perfect morning pick-me-up ☀️😂 Whether you’re a sunrise lover or a caffeine-dependent night owl, these witty lines will make waking up a little less painful and a lot more hilarious ☕😴 Get ready to start your day with a smile and maybe even a giggle or two—because who says mornings have to be serious? 🌞🤣

New funny awake quotes 👇

Nothing like a grandfather clock to remind you every hour that you’re still awake.

1 day ago

awake, clock, every, grandfather, grandfather clock, hour, humor, insomnia, nothing, remind, reminder, sleep, still, time
Thank you, moon, for staying awake so late.

5 days ago

awake, gratitude, humor, late, moon, night, staying, staying awake, thank
Being awake is the worst.

2 months ago

awake, being, humor, sarcasm, sleep, tiredness, worst
I am awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

2 months ago

am, awake, difficult, difficult time, humor, i, personal, personal space, please, privacy, respect, sarcasm, sleep, space, time
I hope this email keeps you awake at night.

2 months ago

awake, email, hope, humor, i, keeps, message, night, sarcasm, sleep, wakefulness
I’m awake and working. Please respect my privacy during these trying and emotional times.

2 months ago

awake, emotional, humor, humorous, office, please, privacy, quarantine, respect, sarcasm, stress, times, trying, working
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like, okay, but how do you solve the problem of being awake?

2 months ago

awake, being, caffeine, coffee, drink, everyday, everyday struggle, humor, humor quote, okay, people, problem, solve, struggle, wakefulness
My day starts backwards, I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

2 months ago

awake, backwards, bed, daily, daily routine, day, humor, i, morning, night, reverse, routine, sleep, tired, wake, wide
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake.

2 months ago

animal, awake, faking, humor, joke, pet, sleep, time
Adulthood is basically just trying to fall asleep at night and stay awake during the day.

2 months ago

adulthood, asleep, awake, day, fall, humor, just, night, sleep, stay, trying

For even more funny awake quotes, hit next 👇

All funny awake quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

82 shares on Twitch this month:

“You shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter”, my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to.

12 shares on Slack this month:

I used to be cool and now I say things like “It’s so loud in here, I can’t hear myself think”.

11 shares on Discord this month:

Family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly.

60 shares on Facebook this month:

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

45 shares on Discord this month:

I’m just a crazy person looking for a crazy person who finds me completely normal.

35 shares on Discord this month:

Do cats have a sense of causation between grooming themselves and coughing up hairballs, or do they think it’s just an annoying separate thing which just happens to them sometimes?

45 shares on YouTube this month:

What’s wrong, babe? You hardly touched your own advice you give to others.

46 shares on Twitch this month:

I don’t have red flags, I have fun facts.

86 shares on Instagram this month:

You guys ever play a game for hours straight? You start hallucinating the sounds.

41 shares on Discord this month:

Girls who leave clothing reviews with their height, weight, and size ordered are going to heaven.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

20 folks are currently checking 👀

I always feel sleepy, except when I want to sleep.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

Sometimes I’ll drink a ginger ale and eat a Biscoff cookie and sit up in kind of an unnatural position and pretend I’m on a Delta flight.

11 folks are currently checking 👀

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

Pets don’t talk because the moment they do, the government will tax them.

13 folks are currently checking 👀

The nice thing about wintertime is that it’s darker for longer, so you see a lot less people.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

“You shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter”, my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

The lion does not concern himself with the few small drops of pee that got on his boxers at the urinal even after he did a few shakes to be sure.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

That friend who asks too many personal questions? He’s not concerned. He’s collecting.

16 folks are currently checking 👀

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,557

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has copied:

I miss when 1K was a lot of money.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has shared:

My sleep schedule and I are not on speaking terms.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has shared:

I don’t know much, but I know this: the older you get, the faster the number of things you’re willing to wait in line for approaches zero.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

“You’re always sleeping,” God forbid a woman wants to be unconscious.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has copied:

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has bookmarked:

“Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight!” Okay, then explain bayonets to me.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has downloaded:

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has downloaded:

Clueless but committed – that’s my vibe.

Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on Instagram:

“What’s your ETA?” do you ask the birds in the sky when they will arrive.

Seen just now on Facebook:

Please twerk; I have just days left.

Just landed via WeChat:

Making art is making love to the world.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

“I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet.”

Just landed via Reddit:

If porn damages your brain, and writing develops your brain, does writing porn even it out?

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

Spongebob never let anyone dull his whimsical spirit.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Don’t give up on your dreams. Go back to bed.

Just landed via Snapchat:

It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place. For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.

Live now on Pinterest:

I decided to be me and now we have a problem.

Going viral on Slack:

Crossing my fingers one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

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