Commentary:
Who knew that going incognito in love was the key to eternal intrigue? Just call me "Mystery McMysteriousface." 🕵️♂️💘
370 Funny ever quotes
Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.
Commentary:
"Calamari tried and survived… marriage, here I come! 🦑💍🤣"
Do you ever wake up in the morning and you’re just like… no.
Commentary:
"Every morning is like hitting the snooze button on life! 😂😴☕️"
Cigarettes are a better networking tool than LinkedIn could ever dream of being.
Commentary:
"Who knew I just needed a pack of smokes to boost my career? Step aside, LinkedIn! 😂🚬🤝"
If I ever go missing, check the snack aisle. I’m probably just deciding.
Commentary:
"Lost but never hungry! 🍪🛒😂 If you find me in the snack aisle, just bring a cart!"
You ever feel awkward in Target, cause you know you belong at Walmart.
Commentary:
"When you walk into Target and feel like you’re on an episode of 'Undercover Shoplifter' 😂🕵️♂️🚫 #WalmartAtHeart"
No one has ever believed in me more than this waitress, who brought me buffalo wings and a single wet nap.
Commentary:
"When a waitress believes in you so much, she gives you wings and a wet nap backup plan! 🙌🍗🤣"
Ever since I was young, I knew I wanted to be online nonstop.
Commentary:
"Who knew dreams would come true and battery life would still be the ultimate nemesis? 📱🔋😂"
If I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text; I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently.
Commentary:
"Just making sure my vocabulary game isn't all smoke and mirrors! 📚🤓😂"
If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.
Commentary:
"Identity theft: the only crime where the victims are considering revenge with a side of financial sabotage! 😂💳 #PaybackTime"