Commentary:
"Just waiting for my brain to download new energy… please stand by! 🧠🔄😴"
1648 Funny just quotes
Me, watching porn: they’re just going to let that pizza get cold?
Commentary:
"When your priorities are hot pizza over hot scenes! 🍕😅 #PlotTwist"
My only plan for this weekend is to move just enough so the people don’t think I’m dead.
Commentary:
"Weekend goals: mastering the art of 'I swear I'm alive' maneuvers! 🛋️😴💃"
No pre-workout, just flashbacks of stuff I let slide.
Commentary:
"Fueling my workout with the power of past regrets and questionable life choices! 😂💪 #FlashbackFitness"
If you feel fat and sad just know it’s someone out there fatter than you.
Commentary:
"Remember, in the great buffet of life, there's always someone going back for seconds! 🍔😂 #NotTheOnlySnackInThePack"
Can anyone recommend some good places for somebody just getting into visiting?
Commentary:
"Sure! I've heard Mars is out of this world! 🚀👽"
I’m not addicted to Twitter. I’m just a really good listener so I want to know what everyone has to say.
Commentary:
"Apparently, my superpower is knowing everyone's shower thoughts! 🦸♂️🛀📱 #TweetWhisperer"
Please just wait until my mating ritual is over before you decide.
Commentary:
"Let's hope your dance moves are worth the wait! 🕺💃😂"
Just caught a moth and sent it back outside. Feeling like Mr. Miyagi.
Commentary:
"Mastered the art of moth-jitsu! 🥋🦋 #MiyagiModeActivated"
Ain’t no girls in my messages, just a bunch of verification codes.
Commentary:
"When even your phone's more concerned about security than your love life! 😂🔐📲 #ForeverVerified"