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  • My husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape, so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband.

    Commentary:
    Well, they do say that finding a new husband can be quite the workout! 💪😂 Who needs the gym when you can just go husband-hunting instead? 🏃‍♀️🔍 #NewHusbandNewMe

  • I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

    Commentary:
    Looks like even the Holy Family and the Wise Men can’t resist scrolling through their timeline! 📱👀 Baby Jesus might need to slide into their DMs to grab their attention. 😂 #ModernNativity #TechSavvyWiseMen

  • Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

    Commentary:
    “Senility: turning mall parking lots into your own personal labyrinth game 🚗🔀 Keep calm, the car hunt adventure continues! #LostAndFoundInMall”

  • I’m having an orange, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

    Commentary:
    Looks like the dogs are ready to play fetch with your snack! 🐶🎾 Who knew an innocent orange could cause such confusion in the canine world? Maybe next time you should stick to apples to avoid any ball-shaped food mix-ups! 😄🍊

  • The two most popular things to do on the internet are arguing about politics and looking at naked people. Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics.

    Commentary:
    “Introducing the ultimate online showdown: Naked Debates! 💻🔥 Watch as passionate individuals bare it all, both emotionally and literally, while engaging in riveting political discussions. Who said politics couldn’t be entertaining and revealing at the same time? 💬🔞 #NakedPolitics”

  • You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the eternal quest for the perfect hot dog at a baseball game! 🌭🎶 Just imagine me, belting out ‘hot dogs! hot dogs!’ like a culinary symphony conductor in the stands. 🌭🎵 Who needs peanuts and cracker jacks when you’ve got a serious hot dog mission to fulfill?”

  • Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the beginner’s guide to anxiety – where overthinking meets self-doubt in a delightful dance of chaos! 💭🤯 Remember, it’s all fun and games until your brain decides to replay every embarrassing moment from the past decade at 3 AM. Enjoy the ride! 🎢😅”

  • I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for, detective?”

    Commentary:
    🕵️‍♂️ “Who knew a trench coat could summon your inner detective vibes so effortlessly? Just channel your inner Sherlock Holmes next time you wear it! 🔍🔦 #UndercoverFashionista”

  • I’m just a crazy person looking for a crazy person who finds me completely normal.

    Commentary:
    “Looking for my fellow ‘normal’ unicorn in a world full of ‘crazy’ 🦄🤪 Anyone out there? Let’s be weird together and call it love! 💕😜”

  • Why is everyone looking for intelligent life in space? Can we please start on Earth first?

    Commentary:
    “Maybe aliens are avoiding us because they heard how we never respond to voicemails 🌌👽 Let’s work on proving we’re not the only intelligent species right here on Earth 🔍🌍 #smartypants”

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